A New Solar System?

Scientists are bored.

They're bored and tired of looking at the same nine planets we've been looking at for centuries. They know that the job of science is to press ever forward - to constantly invent new reasons to contradict the scientists of the past.

Science is what scientists decide it is when they're bored.

And now scientists have decided that our solar system needs more planets. An international symposium tribunal of telescope-peering magistrates has redefined the defintion of the word planet. Seriously. Because this has been the most important scientific debate in the history of thinking.

After two - read that, two - years of "intense astronomical debate," science is fresh and new and "teachable" once more.

Prepare thyself for the new and improved, superhot, most up-to-date-est definition of the word planet you're going to see in your lifetime. Science sayeth:

Planets are round. And they orbit a star.

Congratulations, science! The universe is infinitely more understandable now. And your new definition couldn't be more comprehensive. Scientist Richard Binzel, an MIT astronomer, agrees:

We now have a new way to put the solar system together. We think this definition is reasonable.

So kids, get crunk to learn the new 12 to 53-member solar system map! My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas = old and busted. Teh new hotness is: My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Cold Pizzas Under A Winter Sky For The Birthday Excitement You Enjoyed In Your Pants Before The Delivery of Annual Gift Man Abracadabra!

Ha ha! Science is important!